Love Trumps Crap Every Time

Posted this on a friend's status earlier this morning. Short and sweet, but it kind of says it all.

"It's funny as we get older how even happiness gets mixed with other emotions. I am preparing the memorial service for my mother right now…and as I listen to her music, I am moved to tears of joy and sadness. I have to keep reminding myself how blessed I am to have shared such a love with her. I miss her so much, and that makes me sad. But many people never knew a love like the love I knew with her. It's just the way of the world. When we are little, we just know the love and happiness part, and as we get older, the wisdom of life's brutality can mar the happiness. We can't let it. Life is too amazing. Love wins."

My mother was happiest when holding a baby. <3

Here she is with her second grandchild, my Kelsey. 

Music As a Way to Belong

I have followed my curiosities this summer and have been watching documentaries on a variety of topics. One topic I'm interested in is Tourette Syndrome. We had a kindergartener at my school last year who was diagnosed with TS, and so I thought I would research a bit more about it before school starts again.

I have learned a lot about TS, but it is apparent that there is still much to be learned about this disability. According to what I have learned thus far, it is possible for people with TS to suppress their tics, but not without physical after-effects. Several of the people (primarily children) likened the sensation of an oncoming tic to the feeling you get before a sneeze; holding back a sneeze does not feel good but it can be done….sometimes. Yet also sometimes they can engage in activities that suppress the tics without the individual actually trying to suppress them. Activities that are new and interesting can do this, but even familiar activities that are practiced can help. Music is one of these.

After watching several documentaries on TS in general, I came across one produced in the UK which was broadcast as a three-part series on the BBC. Each part is about one hour long. Here is a link to the third video of the series on YouTube, which you need to know is NSFW (not safe for work) and you may want to use parental guidance because of language.

A short quote from the article above: "The programme follows the BBC Three documentary I Swear I Can Sing, which followed the moving story of young female Tourette’s sufferer Ruth Ojadi and showed how her singing helped calm her Tourette’s.The show features six young people brought together by Reggie to embark on a remarkable musical journey. They include Ruth, who featured in the original documentary; Steve; Greg; Emilly; Tom and Jake, who all have their own unique story to tell about how they deal with Tourette Syndrome."

I had watched the first video about Ruth Ojadi prior to watching Let Me Entertain You, and prior to that I'd say I watched at least 3 or 4 other videos about people with TS. In a way, I liken this disability to Alzheimer's, and by that I mean, if you know a person with Alzheimer's, you know one person with Alzheimer's. It manifests itself very differently in each individual. I would say the same thing about autism, and after watching these documentaries, I now include Tourette Syndrome.

I'll go ahead and add that I also recently watched a documentary called The Rainman Twins which also touched my heart. Flo and Kay Lyman are autistic savant twins. Anyone who knows a child with autism knows that it is an exhausting job to be their parent. At one point during the twins' childhood, their mother attempted to kill them by turning on the gas oven. Follow the story of Carly Fleischmann and you will find a father that is a true hero in my book. But the reason I brought up Flo and Kay is because music also proved to be a vehicle for connection for them. The touching story of their friendship with Dick Clark and local news anchor Dave Wagner is quite amazing. Watching The Rainman Twins documentary on YouTube is 45 minutes well spent.

Which brings me to say that I don't have a whole lot of wisdom about TS or autism to share. I still have a lot to learn. But I do have one more link to share with you, which has to do with benefits of face-to-face music participation. I have posted this on my blog before but it's such good food for thought. It is just one more way that music provides a way for people to connect to each other and to themselves.

A way to belong.

Every Daily Goal Should be Kindness

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/08/carleigh-oconnell-graffiti_n_5567875.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046&ir=Women

This story and many like it are playing out in the news lately. Here is another. These remind me of something I have been thinking about for quite some time, as I myself have been on a more focused fitness journey for the past 18 months. In addition, I am in my 50's now, so as I work out and choose my foods, I have to remember that. I've been taking a ride in this body for over 50 years, and that is easy to forget. I overestimate myself all the time, but I am really the same inside (in many ways) as my 8-year-old self, my 14-yo self, and my 27-yo self.

That brings me to the two things that I think are still sanctioned as virtually universally valid for shaming in today's world: Image and Age.

First - Image.

I thought this on a recent bike ride (often when I do a lot of deeper thinking):

Image is not as important as feelings.
Feelings are not as important as beliefs.
Beliefs are not as important as truths.

Image is not unimportant - I am not saying that. But what I am saying is that it is the truth of what is inside that matters much more. There are idioms and quotes galore about this - "Beauty is only skin-deep", "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", and Confucious says, "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." I think all of us have parroted one of these types of sayings in our lives, but did we really mean what we said? To me, this is what it means to "be real", as is commonly said these days.

Even I struggle to be real. Especially about myself.

Allow me to talk a bit longer on my little bike-ride epiphany above.

Image is not as important as feelings: I believe that if someone insults your appearance, that you do have a right to feel hurt about it. Hence, the title of my post today. People ought to be kind. And if they can't be kind, they should probably just bite their tongue and move along. Is "helping" your "friend" get a grasp on their image flaws really what is needed at the moment? Perhaps listening to what they say to you and then supporting their efforts at self-appreciation would be more meaningful. Then tell them you love them because of who they are inside. And then tell them you recognize their struggle with their own image. With the exception of a few very amazing people like Mother Teresa, I'd say we all know "the struggle is real."

Feelings are not as important as beliefs: People need to rise above knee-jerk reactions based on emotions. The ability to resist impulses is what makes us uniquely human. We don't have to act on instinct or on impulse. So in dealing out words and actions to others, choosing kindness in the present moment will have lasting effects on our own belief system. And in reacting to words and actions of others, focus on your own beliefs about the topic and remember that you choose your reaction. You can choose to allow the negative feelings to roll off. You can choose to believe positively about yourself, especially when you know that you have been working toward an image goal but you aren't quite there yet. The fact is each day and each moment can be a struggle against negative thinking, but you don't have to choose to wallow in negative thinking.

Beliefs are not as important as truths: Sometimes we are not real with ourselves and our beliefs are flawed. They are not truths. They are lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better. Going back to the original truth spoken by Confucious: "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." Bryon Waller Procter, the 19th century English poet may have said it best: "O human beauty, what a dream art thou, that we should cast our life and hopes away on thee!" The truths of how you treat others, how you treat yourself, and your daily actions are much more important than those flaws reflected in the mirror.

Which brings me to the topic of age. There is a point when an aged person is deemed as less-worthy than their younger self. Part of this is precisely about image, but not completely. It does not happen at the same time for every individual. It is as if the worthy thoughts and deeds of lives are forgotten, until death of course, and then it seems that life can be celebrated correctly. If an individual is unfortunate enough to lose their health, mobility or cognitive abilities before they die, this usually accelerates the demise of the perceived worth of their life's work. This is not a broad brush that is 100%, but I see it. A lot. Age Shaming is still accepted.  I call it Age Shaming for lack of any other term, because this is one minority that has not had any online advocacy for it that I have seen, and I don't know another term for it. It does happen - less in some cultures than others. I bet you can name two contrasting cultures on that topic.

So….every daily goal should be kindness. Kindness to self. Kindness to others. Demonstration (action) that shows respect for the struggles of others and for yourself. Be real with yourself and others and recognize the struggle IS real. Slip up (these happen), acknowledge it, and recognize the truth of the mistake. Then, let it go. All we really have is this moment, so make it a good one. Does this mean you need to be a pushover if someone is an aggressor toward you, or a young person needs a strong guide requiring correction? You can answer that yourself with a truth - is it even partially possible to deal with a negative situation with kindness and in a positive way?