Every Daily Goal Should be Kindness

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/08/carleigh-oconnell-graffiti_n_5567875.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046&ir=Women

This story and many like it are playing out in the news lately. Here is another. These remind me of something I have been thinking about for quite some time, as I myself have been on a more focused fitness journey for the past 18 months. In addition, I am in my 50's now, so as I work out and choose my foods, I have to remember that. I've been taking a ride in this body for over 50 years, and that is easy to forget. I overestimate myself all the time, but I am really the same inside (in many ways) as my 8-year-old self, my 14-yo self, and my 27-yo self.

That brings me to the two things that I think are still sanctioned as virtually universally valid for shaming in today's world: Image and Age.

First - Image.

I thought this on a recent bike ride (often when I do a lot of deeper thinking):

Image is not as important as feelings.
Feelings are not as important as beliefs.
Beliefs are not as important as truths.

Image is not unimportant - I am not saying that. But what I am saying is that it is the truth of what is inside that matters much more. There are idioms and quotes galore about this - "Beauty is only skin-deep", "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", and Confucious says, "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." I think all of us have parroted one of these types of sayings in our lives, but did we really mean what we said? To me, this is what it means to "be real", as is commonly said these days.

Even I struggle to be real. Especially about myself.

Allow me to talk a bit longer on my little bike-ride epiphany above.

Image is not as important as feelings: I believe that if someone insults your appearance, that you do have a right to feel hurt about it. Hence, the title of my post today. People ought to be kind. And if they can't be kind, they should probably just bite their tongue and move along. Is "helping" your "friend" get a grasp on their image flaws really what is needed at the moment? Perhaps listening to what they say to you and then supporting their efforts at self-appreciation would be more meaningful. Then tell them you love them because of who they are inside. And then tell them you recognize their struggle with their own image. With the exception of a few very amazing people like Mother Teresa, I'd say we all know "the struggle is real."

Feelings are not as important as beliefs: People need to rise above knee-jerk reactions based on emotions. The ability to resist impulses is what makes us uniquely human. We don't have to act on instinct or on impulse. So in dealing out words and actions to others, choosing kindness in the present moment will have lasting effects on our own belief system. And in reacting to words and actions of others, focus on your own beliefs about the topic and remember that you choose your reaction. You can choose to allow the negative feelings to roll off. You can choose to believe positively about yourself, especially when you know that you have been working toward an image goal but you aren't quite there yet. The fact is each day and each moment can be a struggle against negative thinking, but you don't have to choose to wallow in negative thinking.

Beliefs are not as important as truths: Sometimes we are not real with ourselves and our beliefs are flawed. They are not truths. They are lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better. Going back to the original truth spoken by Confucious: "Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." Bryon Waller Procter, the 19th century English poet may have said it best: "O human beauty, what a dream art thou, that we should cast our life and hopes away on thee!" The truths of how you treat others, how you treat yourself, and your daily actions are much more important than those flaws reflected in the mirror.

Which brings me to the topic of age. There is a point when an aged person is deemed as less-worthy than their younger self. Part of this is precisely about image, but not completely. It does not happen at the same time for every individual. It is as if the worthy thoughts and deeds of lives are forgotten, until death of course, and then it seems that life can be celebrated correctly. If an individual is unfortunate enough to lose their health, mobility or cognitive abilities before they die, this usually accelerates the demise of the perceived worth of their life's work. This is not a broad brush that is 100%, but I see it. A lot. Age Shaming is still accepted.  I call it Age Shaming for lack of any other term, because this is one minority that has not had any online advocacy for it that I have seen, and I don't know another term for it. It does happen - less in some cultures than others. I bet you can name two contrasting cultures on that topic.

So….every daily goal should be kindness. Kindness to self. Kindness to others. Demonstration (action) that shows respect for the struggles of others and for yourself. Be real with yourself and others and recognize the struggle IS real. Slip up (these happen), acknowledge it, and recognize the truth of the mistake. Then, let it go. All we really have is this moment, so make it a good one. Does this mean you need to be a pushover if someone is an aggressor toward you, or a young person needs a strong guide requiring correction? You can answer that yourself with a truth - is it even partially possible to deal with a negative situation with kindness and in a positive way?